Tempe… Terra.

//log.open//mars.base.alpha//cmdr.m.v.underwood//
// ..

Okay. Today is a new day and I promised myself I would try and be nicer to myself. After I collect the morning’s SciKIT results and transmit that back, I am going to take the rest of the day off and have sex.

The Martian men come around often now. Once word got out that I was an easy bird to lay, they lines up for sloppy seconds, thirsty thirds, foul fourths… you name it I was rarin’ and ready to go at any moment. Sexual intercourse and the pleasures that rip your mind apart were all I cared about anymore. Sex, sex and more sex was my new national anthem. Even my hobbies were collecting dust in the corner of my habiPOD while I let the Mars men pummel me. Would it lead to a baby? I was curious. A hybrid Earth girl and Martian boy… what kind of baby would come out of that? Would I be a good mommy?

It was emotional involvement I couldn’t seem to find anymore. After whatever it was happened to my brain, I didn’t feel anything much anymore unless I had a man or was immersed into some past time that titillated me. Those were becoming more difficult to find though… the things I once loved to play with, the toys of my youth, Barvee and Kelv were orphans now. I was a sex hound I guess.

What did that mean for the MARS colony mission?

Continue reading “Tempe… Terra.”

on the Mars.

//resume

What was so interesting to me was how I could see exactly why, for the first time in my life, why I was behaving the way I was. And it had nothing to do with me, it was nature. Every newborn will fight to survive. It will do whatever it takes to stake out its own turf within a boundless existence. That means that nature will always be near to kick whatever tails need to be kicked to give the new “thing” (whatever thing is) a chance to live.

With the passing away of Earth I was alone again. Barely more than a single cell creature. Just getting started. All that Earth was… every event, every person, every memory was now dust under my feet. I felt nothing for anyone anymore. What once felt like home… now felt like hell. And strangely enough… the very places I was taught to dread and flee from… turned out to be the best friends I ever had.

Continue reading “on the Mars.”

Who?

Personal journal, Laguna Beach, March twenty-one, Twenty Seventeen. – I am going to just chill it out on the beach today. Get away from story time for a while see if I can pick up a nice man and take him home for a little fun. Not usually my style, today felt different somehow… like I could almost have anything I wished for. So… why… not… shoot for the Moon…

And wish for you. To see your eyes, to smell the salty air… to walk the shores of our TOMORROWS and feel TRUE LOVE RAIN DOWN like we all deserve. For WE ARE CHILDREN OF STARRY LANDS we will care again one day. For now then I am often alone… but like I said maybe today will be different. Ha ha ahaa… I even wore my yellow polka dot bikini lol… here check it out…

(Insert bikini ad here)

Continue reading “Who?”

the beginning.

I have absolutely no idea what to say. I am written out of words, story, people, Martians. Purpose, interests. I really have no idea. I am tired of trying to make up anything. Does any of this really, deeply interest me? Not really. I write because my personal life is so messed up, and people agitate me, always after something from me. Annoying. I wish they would all jump in a lake. You think I am in position to dialogue about anything that matters you are out of your mind. Okay. Well that was a start. I wrote that I have nothing to say to people and Gods and angels and Martians and… all of that can kiss off. The day I finally gain some sense of my place or purpose or role in life is the day I start talking to you cupcake, until then, kiss my ass.

Continue reading “the beginning.”

I was good at what I do. (BR2049)

//sys.open//mars.jamestown.ii.mvd.podhome.alpha//
//record ..

Mostly what intrigues me is to ponder about existence itself. I was always so blown away by the beauty of life… just being here… this moment… and aware. I was so stunned by how wonderful it was to be aware that I was gazing out into something. Something spectacular! And so unfathomable.

And then I cry over my life, how dismal a creature I have become… much less than dirt. I am the memory of dirt and filth. Not really that sure I was ever born. So I do not understand why my life has concluded me into such a wretched condition unless I am mistaken in some way. In any case. Existence is in itself a beautiful thing… and I am very honored to be a part. Even though I often pray to be relieved of it. Maybe there is a purpose? After all? You know… the great big wonderful one…

the plan

Continue reading “I was good at what I do. (BR2049)”

The Day the Piper came and asked for payment.

Personal journal, March Twenty, anywhere – Does it matter where I am?  Physically? I am still me, looking out over… something… anywhere… I am still me, Michelle. Is it Glendale, is it Mars, is it Paris, is it bars? Hah… I do miss being able to go to a bar once in a while, meet up with friends. I guess I am on Mars, or Salt Lake City.

Continue reading “The Day the Piper came and asked for payment.”

red leaves on the ground. (around the bend.)

What am I going to do today in Glendale? Today… well… first thing I am going to do is not get out of bed, and then the next thing will be to roll over. Lastly I plan to fluff up my pillow.

So depressed. My lost little story… and me along for the ride. Hey… I thought it was a good idea. My shrink encouraged me. “Go ahead,” she said, “write down what you are feeling… anything at all…”

“Even I hope to die today? Write that down, too?” I asked.

“Yes. Anything at all… you put it down and bring your journal with you and I promise I will… listen… to anything you have to share that you wrote. I promise to listen…” She said it was okay so I have tried to do that. Just put it out there. I don’t know where else to turn besides my little diary… I am so… tired of existing. No one warned me it was going to be something I would learn to fear.

This life… this grand plan of God… and all I want to do is hide and pretend that… none of it… ever happened.

“There are always little bright spots in everything Michelle,” Dr. Bev told me softly one day. I remember it was fall, I saw leaves falling on the way in to see her that day. Click clacked up the stone stairway into the building where her office was. It was fall because I saw

red leaves on the ground.

“I know it isn’t easy to see it that way,” she explained. I was just barely getting to know her, it had been hard to open up to people, and she was no exception. I will listen to you sister when the day I can tell you are actually listening to me, instead of trying to sell me something.

“I understand you,” I replied. “You want me to find the little silver lining on my dark clouds.” I felt so proud of myself, almost like I had earned that PhD right along with her. “I can be a silver lining scientist! Make it a research project!” and then the session went downhill from there.

It took me a while to become comfortable with her and tell her my dark things. Maybe she was scared to hear those? Can that happen to a psychologist? They become frightened of the things their customers tell them and then they too have to seek out counseling or hypnotherapy?

Maybe I should have been a psych. Oh, how I learn these things too late in life! Fat lot of good it does now, to know what I should have been. I should have never chased other girls, I should have invested in stocks when I was four, I should have never let Reggie stick his hand in that… what good does it do now, to know all my ‘shoulds’? When am I going to get to learn all my woods?

Lets see… there is the One Wood… that one is good for bunkers… the Two Wood that one is for longer shots once I can actually see the clubhouse… and this here Four Wood is good for billiards… the Three Wood? You want to know what happened to the Three Wood?

You don’t want to know what happened to the Three Wood. Unless you want to hear a rather involved ghost story.

Are you… in the mood for a long ghost story? Cause… I have one to tell you… a real doozy of one. It is disturbing though. Are you okay with hearing things that will… disturb you?

I didn’t think so. Good for you, we’ll go right back to Vromper Room…

Continue reading “red leaves on the ground. (around the bend.)”