what I want to know. 

Wednesday, the twelfth. Talk about words that need an overhaul. Wed… Nesday? Huh? Shouldn’t this be spelled “wendsday?” And twelfth? Should be “twelth” … Or do some try to say an f sound? Twelffffffffth.

Okay well it is obvious I don’t know what I am doing. There is no more story. It ended a long time ago. What is this? This thing that remains? I have no idea… Every word is an anomaly.

Do you see what I mean? Yes, of course it began as sci fi. That was established years ago… That it IS a science fiction work. There was never any doubt about it. And then… I was uncertain how to end it. You saw me… How clumsily I tried to end the thing. I never could. And I really tried… “The end!” … “The END!!!”… I tried on multiple occasions. All to no avail. The… story… whatever it was… refuses to die. Flat out refused.

I have a very difficult time believing it is still in any way a sci fi effort now. Come on. Get real if you paid good money for this and you are reading narrative like this, wouldn’t you want your money back? I would. I would feel so totally ripped off.

The only thing is… the thing never did end. Not really. Those ” endings”… I wrote?

I spit on them now. I wanted the expression to just go away. “Leave me!” I remember screaming at Reggie once. He could make me so mad. “Just… GO!” It is the same way now… I wanted my words to vanish. They had led to nowheresville… End it! Just pull the plug! But I couldn’t! It will have to die on its own. I can’t make that call. The creature-of-words deserves to live.

Continue reading “what I want to know. “

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ten four buddy

Saturday night, my place. Party town! Yoo hoooooowooo o o o !!! I have friends over how about that. My neighbors and some from work. Some fun, drinks and adult time… being honest and open and getting a little sloshed who cares. It is girls night out. Cut loose once in a while, cowgirl Cut loose and show ’em your stuff.

I would have married you in Helton… I would have given anything to try again… build a home like that, on the open prairie. Simple love between two people and nature

clean clear beautiful amber wavers and gentle souls

that would be my land… that Wyoming sunset would be enough for me. That… and holding your hand.

In that western town I would have loved you hard my lady. Of Chicago, fancy town for a down home sweetheart like you. I missed you so much when you went there… those few weeks were terrors for me. I counted down time til you returned. When I saw the trail of smoke from that train in the distance, I shouted it up in Helton baby. I shouted it up good.

“Here… comes… my baby.”

Thank goodness for science fiction. Is all I gotta say. Western town girls… make me cry girls… yep, thank goodness for science fiction. Saved a sorry ass writer like me.

Worse ways to go. I could have held on to my pride and saved some hide that way. Not my style dear. Not for me. Better to be dumb and do the dumbest things and hope it never works out. Blow it to hell as soon as possible cause that is what is going to happen anyway… go ahead and get it over with, right. Yeah… Helton would have been good for the likes of us. A good town for lovers. A good town for friends. And a good town for writers and little lost exo-Terran creatures. Who don’t know exactly where they fit in.

Continue reading “ten four buddy”

your best ever friend in the whole existence,

Would it matter if I was a seashell? Probably not. What kind of challenges do you think a sea shell has? Are they more or less than what a person deals with? Well.. it depends on how well they can be turned into a bikini top. Is it enough? I guess that depends on the chick I guess… Some girls can pull it off. Some can’t. Whose group would you place yourself in?

Come on honey. Don’t play possum with me. On to you. Time to come out of your little hidy hole… the coast is clear… no Hermit fisherman out today… lucky for you.

I loved it down there… the southern part of Laguna Beach. It was so… tempting. Think about it baby… we could… we could pretend we wuz movie stars or somethin… pretend… get you that hot rod ya been wantin’… you know… the Alfa? Yah baby wut I’m talkin’ bout.

Write your ticket I don’t care. Do whatever you like. Live… wherever you choose. Be… doing… whatever it takes… to bring in happiness like a river of Salmon… and coquettes of pleasant beach views… and the warm, warm days of a Laguna dream come true.

There’s the door baby… there’s the door! Standin’… wide open… close your eyes… take a deep breath…

and step on through.

Up to you. I can’t make anyone do anything. Just an invitation. You do what you think you need to do… I will respect your choice…

and then…

Tea leaves. I saw that. Tea leaves… yep… I knew it… I knew it…

I think you are extraterrestrial. That is one explanation. And you had to deal with me first… and then her. AND THEN THE PLANET IS YOURS if you want it lol… it makes sense. You would try to teach me something… it would be a slow, agonizing process for you… having to tolerate my miserable and limited mind. Eventually though, your design would percolate down…

And then… I would see you in your true form. Your angelic star being form. At first, it would blow my mind apart. And then after a while, the pieces would try to come back together.

Oh it is just a pile of words… there is no story. It is only me pecking away on these things… watching them appear… and never really knowing how.

… How do the mergirls mate? Is that your real question?

I don’t blame you. I would be wondering the same thing. It sounds like there would be some effort involved. Unless… unless they lay eggs and the young mer-creatures are spawned that way. I never stopped to think about it. So probably, since I stopped writing about the Mergirls of Jenu, (and had not worked through the details of their procreative lives), I may have left them in a non-reproducing condition. So then, the mergirls never die. They just get more mature over time? Or they may remain young forever is what I see. Old age… the wrinkling of fish scales? I don’t think so. They became everlasting creatures from the start.

More fantasies… I am done with them. It all served a purpose and more words isn’t adding to anything. So I might as well stop, and go on to other things. My life in Glendale. Making friends up. Going to my job once in a while. I do have a real life, you know. I don’t have to live in these fantasies any more. I am proud of my real life. It may not be the showpiece that yours is… but I know the reason for every scrape and bump and nightmare… can you say the same thing?

In a way, you can’t end anything. Even concluding these sci fi efforts (and it WAS science fiction. It was. I wrote enough space related scenes for it to qualify as legitimate sci fi. So…. don’t go there with me. Don’t try and rope me into an argument that I cheated and never really wrote sci fi, it was something else. Maybe… psycho-fi or… science schiztion. It is bona fide science fiction and I expect all librarians of the future to honor my wish and make sure there are copies of this in the science fiction area and not in some dump, like ‘meta-physical quasi-fiction’. Or… ‘transdimensional-uncategorized’… I can even prove it to you now. Watch.

And then, commander Michelle… alone on Mars… closed her paper journal and gazed out the window on to the Martian surface. She opened the journal again, and began to write…

Day one, on Mars. I made it. I can’t believe it. But I did. The lander came in perfectly on path. Right on the money… Maris Delorgnos valley just as planned. I was able to get the habi-pod open and set up before sunset. And so begins my adventure here. Three days on the surface, collecting some samples. And then the ride back home on the orbiting return vehicle. I guess that is all for now.

There. That is science fiction. It is a near future event. Hasn’t happened, but it will. She will be there. The first woman to step foot on Mars. The first person to step foot on Mars…

The first person to step foot on another planet. That’s my girl. The little Balto go-getter that stole my heart and ran away. Where did you go! Michelle… come back to me!” Beverly cried when she realized that the Viktorwood family had moved away in the night.

The little blonde bundle of eleven year old dreams opened up her growing manuscript where she left off. It was Beverly’s way of coping with the pressures of becoming a woman. She had chosen to write a story, for fun. Michelle’s abandoning of her? Just one more bump in the romantic road.

And Beverly began to write, “I never liked her to begin with. Gave me the creeps. Even her name, Michelle… what a dumb name. I am glad she is gone… now I can take her place in my book… now I can be the author I always wanted to be… Michelle was a klutzy writer. Now I can do something that is actually fun for a chance. Maybe I will live somewhere else than her little visions… maybe the coast of Spain. I always loved the little blue roofs… and… a little villa overlooking the ocean… and

the sounds of hot sex, all night long… the desperate search that lovers do… trying to plumb the depths of existence.

God bless the Lovers of Earth. And me too.

I know this wasting your time. Reading these words. My heart goes out to you girl (or you could be boy-thing reading this). My heart goes out to you because there are better things to do. And I will try to discover what those are, and share them here with you. So please keep reading to find out.

There came a point in the mission where they mostly gave up on me. The mind… well… the mind is not resilient at all. Not like you were told. The mind is a delicate egg. You can just look at it wrong and it will crack apart. Be careful what you expose it to. Think not, lest you arrive at a logical choice.

You do strange things in space. Say, do, write weird stuff… all that time… just floatin’ and floatin’ and… floatin’ along in the long ride to new worlds. Time was what I needed. Time to myself.

Space gave me that. Gave it to me big time. More than I asked for really… and it all comes out. One way or the other… it all comes out… let us hold hands and wish together. That it all comes out…

in plays… and artistries of solemn searching words… sensitive… reaching out words and poems… to touch distant hearts that way to reach across space and time and find…

friends… out there… is so wonderful… and so lonely too. No one back home to tell my stories too… my doctor she wouldn’t even listen after a while. I had reached my allocated number of healings. And then…

like an angel of mercy…

She floated down unto me… Doctor… Beverly… come to me my d… no. Come to me. no….. shoot. Do I really need her any more? Maybe I got well finally… and told her

“So long Beverly,” I said. It was our last session together. And I was sharp as sharp can be. Red, red blazer and black skirt and black heels. Nice ones. And lipstick like midnight. “I guess this will be it.”

And Beverly looked at me, with kind eyes, and said. “You were fine the first I ever met you. Eight years old remember?”

I got a little choked up. “Yeah.    yeah sure I rem ember…”

“There was never… anything wrong at all. We made it all up, Michelle…”

She smiled again and turned and looked out her office window and I looked too… it was another lovely L.A. day and I felt so… so wonderful inside and I didn’t even know why. Didn’t have to know either. “… I will miss you too,” she said. “You’ll always know where I am though… drop me a postcard once in a while,” and she stood up and extended her hand.
“Best wishes, Michelle Wu.”

I bowed to her, and then said, “Best wishes to you, too… Beverly… too…”

Then we hugged. And with her ear a mere few millimeters from my lips, I said so soft… “I will always be close to you… our paths will cross again, I know… I love you,” and I kissed her quick on the cheek and headed for the door as fast as I could.

As stories go, I am well aware that mine is at the mercy of others, of authoring forces far beyond me. With some vision… eye toward what we can become. Trying to bring that along. There was… so much I did not understand. Everything was uncertain. Where do you run then… where can you turn when there is nowhere to go. No one to turn to. You go…

into…     a faraway world…      as far away as possible from everything…    as far as you can be… where n o    one    can     hurt      you         again.

So you make up worlds. And you make up boyfriends. You make up star ships and you make up toy sails. You make up happy. You make up glad. You make up the make up, and then make up the… rest.

I feel like I walked around in an Earth suit all my life. An explorer. I was only trying to learn about this planet I had heard so much about. “Come Visit Earth!” all the posterPaks on my Moon world home… told us Earth was great. “Check ‘er Out!” the ads blared. “Get some on EARTH NOW BABY!!!” and every teen punk bass kid was singing that for months… ‘get some… earth now baby HUH!’… it was maddening. I just watched it all… and tried to live outside of the space suit. Eventually I gave up and just walked around with my air hose and protective armored suit. Why was I that way

“Why were you that way,” she asked… it was a another gorgeous day on the beaches of you know where.  The waves in the background… the little sea gulls making their noises, but not too loud. And your hair floating in the wind.

“I am not sure,” I replied. “Why was I so scared? Is that it?”

“Yeah,” she answered. “Yeah… why were you so scared?” And then she broke out laughing and I heard some lady yell, “stop stop…” and that’s when I looked around on Mars… and saw they had…. somehow. In a secret space mission… NASA had flown lighting and a mockup of a Hollywood back lot to Mars before I got there. There were even other advanced beings… very advanced humanoids who were behind the camera pak sets and all the lights. They didn’t need to wear space suits. Somehow the near vacuum did not bother them. Millions of years in advance of us from Earth.

“Then… we were back on the beach…” she said. “Then…”

Then we were back on the beach, having fun again. Being beach bums. Good for nothing but a beach and a babe and some two dollar shades. What more is there than that.

Best wishes to you,
Your neighbor down the hall in apt. four three seven.
Michelle Wu.

P.S. If you decide to take me up on my offer I won’t blab it all over the complex. It will be something fun. Just for you and me, top… secret  Ultra… top    classified… for your eyes only.

I did see them. Lighting on Mars. And some people walking around off the stage set. Catering people mostly, lunches and coffee breaks and mini bars on wheels. At first I waved to them, and they… they waved their arms, like, “no no! no… don’t look…. ” and it took me a while but I finally started to ignore them. My mystery friends on Mars. I knew I was really there though. Somehow… all the instruction of New Delhi Space Systems… and the Nasa psychologists who I was seeing constantly… somehow it all worked together. Yes we needed rockets. Real ones! Of course… I am not saying the rockets weren’t real. There are also… rockets… of other realities.

 

There are always other ways to get where you need to go. Nasa… yah. They put on a good show. Big boom boom.

Blasting off… into space… whatever. It was deep underground. The real space travel. That kind… you don’t need no steekin’ rocket booster. All you need girl is one thing…      and one thing only.

Desire.

Desire for what, though. Desire to… get a date? Desire to… cook the better bread? Desire…  to… walk on another planet? Who in the world do you want to be? You measure yourself by the standards of others? You think… Earth… is your limitation? Oh girl… you see what is where… you are wrong baby

so… wrong.

Where? Do they go?

Those little ones? The ones… of Glendale.

I’ll tell you where they go honey. They go out

there.

So much to explore.  So much to learn, study. So much to hear in return. What are you trying to say to me? I feel close to you but then, I wonder… I know that it doesn’t matter… what I say or not. Seems like… life has a mind of its own… and I don’t really understand that. Maybe… if I just wait. Simply wait. Wait and watch and wonder… something… will fall into place. Yeah… yeah sure it will… or maybe it did and I just wasn’t paying attention.

Other: θ

Earth: ηγ

You said… “motion” or active in some way. I replied “spirit, dream, romance… in some communicating way.”

And then you turned away from me. And gazed out into the yard. The full moon was shining turning it all into silver lakes and ponds. As your eyes wandered out there, you whispered

π

“See…”

Outside, there was a ship landing. At last.. at last… “Yes, I see!~” I replied excitedly.

δ

Then you nodded and looked back at me, and said,

ζβ

“Relate. Play.”

Relate play. Oh yeah… that means the creature wants to fool around. Make changes, relate and play. So it would be mutually beneficial changes (Zeta, mutual+ Beta play, experiment). They… you… have some ability to know what is best Alpha (intent, story, script) for us as a group. Seems to be what your world is trying to say. It is like you are telling me, “we know how stories should go together,” something like that… Relate and experiment approved.

Go for it.

ιβ

Complete play.

ηβ

spirit, dream, ROMANCE play.

λ

Turning.

ιδ

Complete nurture.

λ

Turning.

ζα

Relate begin.

χ

Everything.

δα

Nurture begin.

γ

Transact.

ρ

Falling.

ξ

Parts.

η

SPIRIT, dream, romance.

ηγ

spirit, dream, ROMANCE share.

κδ

Away nurture.

ηγ

spirit, DREAM, romance transact.

ββ

Play play.

κ

Away.

δβ

Nurture play.

δα

Nurture begin.

κδ

Away nurture.

αα

Begin begin.

ια

Complete begin.

… what did all that mean? I have no idea. Some terms. Scattered around. Maybe we are the same way. Scattered words, and trying to say things is random in a way… at the end of the day all that will matter is…

did our hearts touch? and I think they did I felt you near like my own breath, I felt you holding me, I felt heaven come down in your smile…

We touched. I know we did. More than words can say, we did. Sometimes you never forget, right? When it is…

so right. And you know it is so right… how can nature not prevail on behalf of the lovers… I tell you… she will do

everything

in her power… to help

a boy and a lover… a girl and her lover… she will grow whole forests on their behalf. Hide them. from the scorching sun.

All hail the lovers. Those fools… those incompetents… those losers who never knew where the lines were drawn. All hail the Princesses of Andromeda Galaxy… all hail the Lost Boys of Pluto… all hail the Crimson Tide… roll, galaxa roll… you go baby you go…

your best ever friend in the whole existence,

xxoo

 

 

Born inside a seashell. (3)

What else can you tell me? I long to talk more with you too… is there any way possible?

And you said to me, “θγ”.

Τhat is encouraging, motion, active communications. I would love that. We can try. It is up to you I am trying not to advance anything. This is pretty cool though… so your people can change these… or make these turn out certain ways to facilitate communication it seems…

I replied, “α”, begin.

And then, Beverly looked at me and said, “now it is your turn, Michelle. Close your eyes…” and he hands were cold in that Baltimore fall… leaves… I remember the sound of leaves blowing across the lawn… and I heard her talk to me so sweetly… okay… we are going to a future time now, Michelle… a future time, and you will find yourself writing these words. And you may not understand much, you will only feel a great feeling of life and hope and wonder… at how best friends can be… so much fun…

Well she was right about that. YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, BEVERLY! … haha maybe you do hear me… how nice that is… no distance could ever keep us apart, my little star girl from Galaxy Blonde.

And she replied, “ι”.

Complete… finished… perfect… concluded… the end.

And I shuffled the cards and drew what I would say to that, to you…. and the Earth said, “ιβ”.

Yes, the End. Well in beta anyway. We fenced it in, a little disclaimer there lol… so true… Earth… smart cookies this planet. Let’s see what x says…

Continue reading “Born inside a seashell. (3)”

Born inside a seashell. (2)

lid right off the road. So I have learned the hard way… better to wait and do nothing. Than to rush into things.

Easier said than done though, you know what I mean. You get swept up in life… meet someone… this gig, that situation and… next thing you know you are lofted up into some cloud dream land mixed with love feelings and then it is show over. Then wait for the heartbreak express to roll into town.

“So true,” Capella said. We were walking together on her home planet around Beta Persei. Holding hands, walking in an ancient forest… some vast forest on her planet. “I am so easily lost into places like that… my feelings are so strong. I have some difficulty sometimes with them, they are so… overwhelming.”

I hugged her, “it is because you feel with everything in you,” I said. “It is because you chose to live your life… and not simply watch something go by. So you have to be overwhelmed… it is probably good for you…”

She hugged me back, and she was quiet, although I could almost hear her thoughts, “how… do you know me so well?”

All I could do was keep my arm around her, let her know I was always close. That was how it was with us. On her world, here on Earth. It didn’t matter…

θγ

Motion (of) communications or transactions of some sort. Scary? You know it. That is always out there… something so wonderful. Just as close and lovely as you like, with another. Another beautiful person just like you… someone to relate with… share viewpoints… be expression of logic and impartial fascination of one another… we should be students of romance, or at least wonder more about one another.

“You are right,” she said. “We should reflect more on the simple fact that we are even talking to each other in the first place… what a wonder that is.”

“It is something amazing,” I told her. This planet of hers, from the air, from space was a gas giant that made Jupiter look like a billiard ball. Out there… it looked that way.

Not down here. Not on her surface. Here it was like a California forest, deep, dark, huge trees… soaring…

Continue reading “Born inside a seashell. (2)”

Born inside a seashell.

2022-10-05T14:09Z – I think I will play around with time more. That is the coolest place of all to be. See how easy it is to live in the future? There… just like that… five years ahead how about that girl?

I like it too.

And from there… anywhere. Past, present, future. I have been way ahead a few times too… don’t remember a whole lot about it. I think we must evolve… over time… people become new versions of life, what it means to exist… somehow we change… time travel is simply one way to move around it seems.

Maybe that is what happens. We are born and you have to build something to live in… a sort of life model… reality. How life works. Then it eventually collapses, and whatever remains or turns into some new version of the older beginning becomes a new you in some sense. It is all purely hypothetical… based on immediate results I would say the outlook is dismal. But I don’t think that is the “rule” of life. What is. What you see around you. Those are conditions, yes. They are not etched in granite or anything either. One day it will go away and I will be a new me. I try to believe that. And then you are in “faith” land… a place that is so wonderful and is also so borderline mentally ill. Because none of it. Not one shred of anything like that, can anyone prove. We are all being “Sold” into belief systems… our children of tomorrows are being sold into these lies and they have to fight through life just to arrive at a simple, clear, logically thinking, and reasoning, mind. And that means that all of “mammy’s and pappy’s” beliefs of hot, horrible places was going to have to be… honestly…

weighed and examined. And so far… the judgment is NOT looking like it is going to be falling in m ammy’s and poppy’s favor. God has had enough o it to, and if I can be of any service in helping to break up this CON GAME and give our children half a chance in life then

COUNT ME IN.

Continue reading “Born inside a seashell.”

It makes you a mother. 

Wednesday afternoon. I have had a bad day, one of my more depressing forays into the land of faith and funny. Not an easy terrain to chart out. I don’t know why I let myself get dragged there over and over. I guess I need to go there for some reason.

I am having serious doubts about the need to continue this any more. To continue anything any more. I don’t have the passion for this like I once did. I don’t feel anything for it one way or the other. Good riddance as far as I am concerned. It was a way to fill up time and it served its purpose well. A great time-waster.

Next? I hope there is not a next. I am so dejected feeling. Nothing at all has worked out for me. I am more lost now than when I was first beginning to wonder about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well didn’t I grow up? Or is there still more to come? Am I just a baby still? Feels that way sometimes. Like I know nothing. Like whatever ideas I had about life or love or career or passion or anything! Is just a pale, dim reflection of what the true conditions are. My concepts imprison me. I made up a life reality that made sense to me once. But I knew nothing, it was easy to make up anything. Love will be fair, that was my favorite rule. Or how about this one… God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. One of my favorites. Dreamed that one up over cocktails and DirkBons over on Sunset (which has a freaking awesome happy hour for you wild girls and duders out there). I made up so many rules… one day it will all work out… that is another one I liked. Get a good job and love it… another trophy saying.

Continue reading “It makes you a mother. “