crazy girl.

//openshiplog..
//open..

Okay. Hey a quick note here while I am thinking about it. I… um… I think I have decided to… umm… well… talk to Houston about my condition. I… I… need to tell someone… I am scared to say a word to my own ship they… um… a lot of them are hanging by a thread now. For you see… I don’t think there is anything wrong… we haven’t been in space for five years… we have been… on Mars. It is just this silly mind of mine. I… um… and this is what I need to talk to NASA about. It is my head Houston. I… I think… I… have had a … um….    well…   a really… nasty…   fall.    And…      some of the others…

are…    beginning…     to be … in my crosshairs… shouldn’t I talk to them about that? Like… I could…   lose… it… is what I am wondering.

Have you ever seen explosive decompression on a human being. Do you want to know how close to a vacuum the Martian air is? Pretty… dad gum close. It is not a pretty way to go.

Hey.     Hey Reggers.    Hey when’s the last time you told your new earth wife how much you love her? This… might be a real good time to put in one of those for the,…  yeh … last time babos.

Last.,…..

time.

Continue reading “crazy girl.”

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at last.

More of Wednesday. Whew! I walked down to the water and it was so nice… jogged up the beach to their lighthouse and back… feels good to be outside. I like my little house here, but I love being outside. Under that warm, warm sun. And me out there alone… with everything else… that ocean is people to me… the clouds the sky… the palms… it is all people if you ask me… can’t you hear them? The ocean says. “///swwwooshshhshhh h h h  ….. . shsh sh sh…. . swwoooooshshs…..s..hhh…shshs…… ..//” or something like that.

Wandy said she was coming over to bring me a house-warming gift. Maybe that is why I move so much… she always gets me the coolest little things for the house. That Wandy… life sure knew what she was doing to bring a friend like her to me. I was never looking for her. We just bumped into each other at Galaxadolls one day. I cleaned it up and then we sat down and talked. That was when we both realized we were seeing Dr. Beverly. What a small world! So we got to comparing notes and… woah… it was weird… it was like…      like…              like….         Wanda Jane and I were both dealing with the exact same condition… multiple personalities… some disorder of the mind that…     that…       spins up friends out of nowhere…     she said she wondered that some of her salon customers were… you know…

made up.

Continue reading “at last.”

the same.

I have to be honest however. I do miss space, that narrative.

I felt… so happy… out there, being inside a ship of some exotic steel. And the luxury liner feel… like I was piloting…

a starship… carrying…       passengers…   to Mars.

Something like that. And maybe I live to write some make believe worlds… and what would it be like to travel to Mars, not to Mars City or New Los Angeles of the Southern Canali systems. But to go there as…

as pioneers. As American… space… pioneers…  I love that feeling I get. To be a team that is first to go… to build a city of red rock and rolling dusted hills of hope. I love that feeling… I love… to drive space vacation cruisers.

***

Sure was easier when I had a job. Nasa. The Baltimore agency. My brief flameout at Galagagals studios. As long as I had a little life within a life, an island of friends inside of all friends, I was happy, secure and all seemed right with my world. But one day the little job cracked. And out oozed my guts like yellow yolk that nobody wanted. Not even scrambled. It was me alone against the breakfast world. Maybe I was the wrong color. Maybe they don’t… serve… your kind in here! Brown!

So what then? That’s what I want to know. What then. What then seems to be turn the whole of existence into your job, the real career. Not working for someone. Working for everyone. Being… whatever it is I be. I wish I understood myself better that way. That I am never any one thing, or role. That just doesn’t suit my nature, I seem happier without a focus. It is almost like… nature… resists the very thing that everyone had preached at me all my life. “Focus! Focus! Get a focus and stick with it!” man if I had a penny for every time I had heard that proclaimed I would have been filthy rich by high school graduation.

Continue reading “the same.”

ventura hig     h      wa y s

What is the point of departure for poems? How does this become a poem and not me complaining? Do I have to

break the lines real cool?
make them look poetic?

Or does none of that matter. It is what the intent is? Can I intend to let this be poetry and not me? How does that work? Oh I am already lost, forget it.

All of these forms of things. When you think about it, everything is governed by either nature or custom. Nature always takes priority, and then customs and the laws of that. There is where I failed so miserably. I was never able to really “pick up” on the laws of customary ways. They made no sense. The only thing that made sense about it was that billions wanted to do it the customary way, and I didn’t, and what made sense then was, I was always going to lose. Okay  fine, I lose. I have always lost out. Even in elementary school, I remember… no team wanted to choose me, I was always one of the last ones if not the last one to be chosen. Talk about humiliation. Where were the teachers? Probably our back on smoke break planning their three month paid vacation.

Continue reading “ventura hig     h      wa y s”

what side the bread is buttered on.

Sunday, July 17, 2023 – I still feel okay, more or less. The beach helps… hearing the waves out there… I could lay in bed for hours listening to this…

I have a lot to be grateful for. I did a lot in my life, achieved a lot of dreams I had. I forget about that I forget that I really have seen, so much, so much. I mean, come on. Mars was incredible, that alone was a whole lifetime’s worth of achievement. But I did other things too! I was voted into the Baltimore Ad club chapter board one year… they really thought a lot of me back there, and that was a dream come true… I felt a part of it all… I was young, and mostly carefree in love. Pretty open with everyone (you have to be, to be in that business. No closed doors in ad agencies, they say). If it can’t be said before all of creation, then it probably shouldn’t be said.

I was in love too! I had a thing with Reggie and now, Buck has risen in the East to pick up where he left off. So far he has risen a lot. lol… Eat yer heart out Reg. What a dork. I could have saved myself so much misery if that… oh well, it is all good. It is in the past! Everything in the past is wonderful.

And then I have my hobbies, and crafts. Always have done that… some sewing and painting and some cross-stitched poems, white on black. I have done a lot, is the point. A lot more than I give myself credit for, I seem to stay too determined to ever stop… on to the next island universe. On to the next big dream… only… my big dream is getting fuzzier these days. It used to be so clear! I knew what to do next, what to chase, sometimes who to chase. But now it has become more vague… blurred out or sort of like a general “sense” of a future dreamy place, but it is very… romantic or soft… not a clear cut “job” somewhere… more like… a soft cut v-top with some cute slacks and… some kisses and mostly just forgetting about anything and everything but a moment with you… to enjoy moments together… not because we are sharing trains… because we are sharing an existence.

Continue reading “what side the bread is buttered on.”

for… dear… life…

Friday afternoon, Malibu. Today has been the most incredible day! I have felt so close to life again, almost. I mostly laid out on the beach, listened to music in my ear pobs. The music of ancient times, like, five years ago.

Malibu is nice. They are all nice. Every town I ever visited was so wonderful. Baltimore my nest where they hatched me. A little cross-bred girl. Part Earth… part…

something else.

The hybies.

Right?

I guess it was me after all. All this time I kept thinking I had some of their eggs in my bedroom. Warming them, squating on them. Hatch little hybies. Maybe it was me. Just this dreamy mind of mind. It was a good day. Not doing much now, Reg and Wanda Jane stopped by we are listening to music… blasted away lol… a little… not that much… oh who cares, the beach beckons let’s go necking out there let’s go rediscover man. Let’s go… go… go… let’s go… baby, go.

Continue reading “for… dear… life…”

Cassiopeia.

It is a great feeling though.

To know you went there for everyone on Earth.

We voyaged a harrowing journey, we set down on Mars, barely… we opened hatch we planted boot we sang the songs of Earth and my nation… I brought my own flag to plant… took a Vidpak set for back home. Sure, we were an international mission… but to me it was always a mission of my USA. You just can’t get that space dirt out of your velcro slippers…. you can’t don’t even bother trying.

Proudest day of my life. Landing on that world. Thinking of home… and all we went through to get her…. what a great story we will have to tell our grandchildren. What incredible tales to come. Look at what these exploring American kids can do… look… at… what we can achieve … when our hearts are together in this grand experiment of freedom. And we are together we are and we will always be…

a people…  who soar…     so…   far so high so vast so

impossible made easy.

***

Well, now it is just writing. Even though the mission still needs me, I have my sciPaks to check so I still have a job. A big part of my training was to simply…

write.

Share whatever I see… whatever I feel. All the way through training and then out into space. I have tried my best… to be… as real… as I can be… I owe you that much I owe you everything… it is YOUR HEARTS AND SOULS who sent me out here… is your mission, not mine. I  simply showed up to

represent us all.   Elected by the due processes of space…

to go…. to never be afraid permanently….

to reach… as far as possible to dream beyond dreams… beyond real… to break out of one more protective layer of truth… not to discard them but simply to check … to always weigh everything… those rubies and gemstones will survive the fire… if they don’t then. Protective layer… and we keep going… lighting of boosters as fancy free as you please… spreading out… finding new ground for my town… yours…. this family of Earth.

We were a team for sure. Once you commit to settle new worlds you find out real quick whose hearts also cry out. To settle these lands takes a noble crew.

You. And. Me. Are that noble crew. The USSS American Queen this lady…

shall…        plow…        space…    she will she will she will she will will    she… will sail it wherever we need. I have seen with my own eyes the stars waving out there. I felt what it was like to touch down on Mars…. you… have… not lived until you feel that. The anchoring down into a new land to come. How the gallant girls sang! Susan and I screamed our heads off when we landed. Hooray hooray for us!… she was from Texas and you have never heard a girl yell ’til you’ve heard a happy girl in space.

I… I would give anything to go back. Now it is all just a story. Just words on paper how I would give anything to do it all over again. To say yes to the call of space.

They are all out there waiting on us. “Come on you can do it!” the other systems summoned us to leave our little shells. We… can… be… whatever whoever whenever whyever whoever we want to be… why… not… be… heroes… why… not… be… bold and fearless why not be a space kadet. It was all I ever was anyway. Ever since I was a kid… I never really took the helmet off, even at school. Space… meant everything to me it was all I cared about.

I guess at the end of the day, whatever it is you are doing is what nature wants what Gods want what Barbie wants and Kelv too pleaze let’s not forget about Kelv and his Russian ways my dear Mother Russis forever what mystery world we are… so many faces and so many hearts and so many hands holding hands and so many Siberian tears and trains so many so may so much for love my love.

It doesn’t matter where I am anymore. Where my head is at what difference does it make. The writer said, on the way to these stalking grounds, to stalk her what am I supposed to do turn my eyes away from ravishing beauty what can I do I am a lost man a dead soul I can do nothing but cry over you over us on my knees in fear in pain what else can a man do? I can only imagine, mother Russia one can only…

imagine.

Launch ship! Goldilocks in town. Hold her down until you know you know you know you got all the thrust you need… and then those lockling clamps let go… and then every heart in vostokengrad sings and watches her go… go… go babyvskyn go. Then she races skyward ain’t no stoppin’ her she lifts off…. SHE… LIFTS SKYWARD and away…y.y.y… we go… the keel the sails the astronomer’s queen… on… out… beyond… reaching for our best singing for our the sake of our lives.

There are two ways we can get to Mars.

The Easy way.

And the Hard way.

Which do you all prefer? Do you like to try for an easier way? Then… you… will… begin… the mission

tonight.

Or.

Tomorrow we can talk about the Hard way.

We have to go you see… why? Because…     she…

is there…          now.

So unless we want to rip space and time apart in the vicinity of Earth in the next few years… we… have… no… choice… but to send a ship to build the town, that Jack built.

One more time, Colonial soldiers… one… more… time… Paul where are you. The Americans are coming! The Americans are coming… everyone… lay hold of acetylene torches and assemble the ships we will need. It is time to go to the stars. It has been time… for about fifty years what are we waiting for, a Comfy Couch security blanket life… get out of that.

WE ARE EXPLORERS don’t believe the lies that whisper… wuss… worn… wormy…. not us… not this land….

WE… ARE… CONQUERING… ASTRONAUTS… AND WHERE WE SET AIM.

We go.

***

Friday morning. It is early, and I don’t even remember where I was at. It was intended to be a space story, somehow. Somewhere in there. Maybe someone in the future-like five years from now-can help me sort it out. Someone in the future. Probably me, meeting me coming.

The one thing I have enjoyed the most is to write to the past. I wonder that is affects things, up here. Is a concern. But I am still interested, and seem to still exist, in some way. So the effort must be okay.

What would I say to five years ago? To the times of the tartar, the fish sticks to go? I would say do not worry, do not fret, the story’s all set. Your part is to play, to share and to sway. To the tune of a beachcombing damsel today.

Much love from 2023.

mvu

A story probably ended a long time ago. I just didn’t have the heart to let her go. She is not dead, she lives in me now,

now. we are together forever… my space age girlfriend and me. I didn’t need a science fiction story, anyway. What… I needed…

was a girlfriend. It is all I ever needed. A companion who was just like me. Only… a little… bit… different…

in some key areas.

I tell you what gf… no matter what happens at least I think we taught them all one lesson. You don’t… mess… with Texas…    and…

you… don’t… mess… with… artists.

and broken-hearts…    and tender efforts that any kid makes…

“I think it is all nice,” she said and looked up at her kitchen ceiling, “whatever kind of place you are in… whoever you are up there… whatever it is you face that makes me live… and breathe… it is all working for you darling… it is all working together…

somehow.”

I believe that too, mvu. I do believe that… out of something… sometimes a little painful… good can come. Thank you so much for …. taking the time to teach me that lesson.

“Oh you teach me all the time,” she said softly. “You teach me every time you write one more letter… that you truly care about me… enough to give me another day of a wonderful life here on the beach.”

“Well you are very welcome dear,” I told her from the ceiling. “Maybe we kind of write each other into being… you imagine me up here… and… poof! here I am.”

“You have a kind heart, dear,” she said. And sipped her coffee. I could just watch her for hours that way… my daughter, a daughter of a different dimension. And yet…

every bit the same love I would give any daughter. I didn’t have two… I have… three… girls…

Eridani… Aries…

you have a new sister. Say… hello… to…

Cassiopeia.