What am I going to do today in Glendale? Today… well… first thing I am going to do is not get out of bed, and then the next thing will be to roll over. Lastly I plan to fluff up my pillow.
So depressed. My lost little story… and me along for the ride. Hey… I thought it was a good idea. My shrink encouraged me. “Go ahead,” she said, “write down what you are feeling… anything at all…”
“Even I hope to die today? Write that down, too?” I asked.
“Yes. Anything at all… you put it down and bring your journal with you and I promise I will… listen… to anything you have to share that you wrote. I promise to listen…” She said it was okay so I have tried to do that. Just put it out there. I don’t know where else to turn besides my little diary… I am so… tired of existing. No one warned me it was going to be something I would learn to fear.
This life… this grand plan of God… and all I want to do is hide and pretend that… none of it… ever happened.
“There are always little bright spots in everything Michelle,” Dr. Bev told me softly one day. I remember it was fall, I saw leaves falling on the way in to see her that day. Click clacked up the stone stairway into the building where her office was. It was fall because I saw
red leaves on the ground.
“I know it isn’t easy to see it that way,” she explained. I was just barely getting to know her, it had been hard to open up to people, and she was no exception. I will listen to you sister when the day I can tell you are actually listening to me, instead of trying to sell me something.
“I understand you,” I replied. “You want me to find the little silver lining on my dark clouds.” I felt so proud of myself, almost like I had earned that PhD right along with her. “I can be a silver lining scientist! Make it a research project!” and then the session went downhill from there.
It took me a while to become comfortable with her and tell her my dark things. Maybe she was scared to hear those? Can that happen to a psychologist? They become frightened of the things their customers tell them and then they too have to seek out counseling or hypnotherapy?
Maybe I should have been a psych. Oh, how I learn these things too late in life! Fat lot of good it does now, to know what I should have been. I should have never chased other girls, I should have invested in stocks when I was four, I should have never let Reggie stick his hand in that… what good does it do now, to know all my ‘shoulds’? When am I going to get to learn all my woods?
Lets see… there is the One Wood… that one is good for bunkers… the Two Wood that one is for longer shots once I can actually see the clubhouse… and this here Four Wood is good for billiards… the Three Wood? You want to know what happened to the Three Wood?
You don’t want to know what happened to the Three Wood. Unless you want to hear a rather involved ghost story.
Are you… in the mood for a long ghost story? Cause… I have one to tell you… a real doozy of one. It is disturbing though. Are you okay with hearing things that will… disturb you?
I didn’t think so. Good for you, we’ll go right back to Vromper Room…
Continue reading “red leaves on the ground. (around the bend.)”